The Inner Battles

When it comes to chronic pain like Rheumatoid Arthritis, the inner struggle with yourself can be the worst battle. The feeling of losing control over your health, the fear of what the doctor will say, what the blood tests will say. I get the most anxious in the waiting room to see the many doctors I see. Always wondering if they will bring good news or bad. But I also become anxious while sitting at home. Even before the RA set in i battled with anxiety, but it has gotten worse since being diagnosed with RA. The ever lasting fear of being out of control with your body is a hard thing to grasp for people who are healthy. But its also a hard thing to grasp for those us that do deal with it.

Trying to maintain a normal life has become rather difficult. Relationships of all kinds become harder to maintain as some people do not fully understand why someone with a chronic illness cannot do the things they once did, or do the things that normal people their age can do. I sometimes get angry when I hurt. And take it out on the ones I love the most. And they have done nothing to deserve it. But it just happens. My life was turned upside down in nearly a single day. Who wouldnt be angry? But I've learned that I cannot be angry all of the time. When you are dealing with a constant pain everyday your way of thinking completely changes and your life takes on a whole new meaning. The struggles you deal with are not what most people would consider a normal thing to deal with, especially at my age. Numerous doctors, never ending appointments, prescription refills, new medications, needles, self injections, failed infusions, blood tests, counting out pills in the mornings, mid day and evenings, fatigue, and the ever constant pain in nearly every joint hell I could go on forever. But my biggest struggle, is that I still cannot fully grasp that I am not as strong as I once was [physically]. I still tell myself that I can do certain things that I once could, then I do them and end up hurting myself and become angry&rather frustrated. Mentally I am more strong then I ever thought I could be. I've had people tell me to just stop talking about, stop over thinking. Well, I tried doing that and it only made matters worse for me. We have to mentally prepare ourselves on a daily basis before we even wake up. Take a deep breath before doing something that is so simple, but causes a deep pain in the joint we are using. 

As hard as it really is to imagine what it is like to have a chronic pain condition those with out it will never know the struggle. 

I am not asking anyone to understand, but to just listen.


-Little Wurmie-